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Submitted by Helene Olivia on 28 December 2008 - 6:13pm.| Updated 11 January 2009 - 4:23pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
All through these miles of the night,
through all this love and its light,
know I feel you.
All through our moments when I might,
through touch reach you in sweet delight,
know I see you.
All through my sickness that I fight,
through times long past cloud my sight,
know I need you.
All through your absence hear my plight,
through all my thoughts I take flight,
know I miss you.
All through the hours ,glitter bright,
through all these words that I write,
know I love you.
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Im new to this game and not sure on my punctuation or structure etc so any advice is much appreciated, thanks.
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Helene Olivia,
this is a powerful vow of love!
Welcome here at Neopoet, I´m looking forward to reading more!
A suggestion I myself found helpful when I started posting poems would be not to break the lines in mid-sentence. With this poem, it would enhance the rhyming, draw the reader´s eye to it.
(Like: “All through these miles of the night,
through all this love and its light,
know that I feel you.)
Just suggesting,
Ink Dragon
hello and much thanks for
hello and much thanks for the feedback . I see what you mean with the longer lines, it flows better ..I’ll reformat it sometime soon. cheers!
Helene,
you really rearranged it! I love it!
Ink
i really like this poem..it
i really like this poem..it rhymes well and gives you a warm feeling…i find myself coming back to this one
thanks I’m glad you like
thanks I’m glad you like ,I wrote it for my man who is away and who I am missing very much.
i have been with my man for
i have been with my man for almost 5 years and if he even goes away for 1 day or night i miss him terribly…be strong cause true love always comes back home….
This is good
A simple set of verses that build through need and want to love, all covered with a swath of loneliness…
This is good stuff. Are you a beginning poet, or just new to Neopoet?
You might want to think about where you put the comma on the first line on the last verse, but other than that this stands up real good, to me.
Respectfully,
And welcome to neopoet,
Jim
“Laws and rules don’t kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does” : Race
glad you liked
I was wondering if it was too simple and plainly worded so thanks for the comment on its structure ..i am pleased that you can clearly see the emotions involved .. swath of loneliness is spot on. I’m new to poetry and am keen to develop as a writer ,its most enjoyable!
Many thanks for your welcoming words.
Helene Olivia