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Koketso Marishane
South Africa
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Submitted by Koketso Marishane on 28 July 2008 - 9:01pm.
Style / Type:
Western Classic
Life’s no win!!
Life’s no win,
Or is it?
Too much heat burns
Too much cold freezes
Too much water drowns you
And no water kills you
A poor man sleeps with a hungry stomach
A rich man don’t sleep at all
It is interesting for rich people to see how poor people live
But
It is also interesting for poor people to see how hard rich people work
Time is a healer
Time is a killer
And life
Is no win!!
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
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This is interesting
You might change the title to something like “Life’s a no win proposition”.
It doesn’t seem like the title is complete. There should be it least one more word in the title.
I like the opposition of the two extremes throughout the poem.
In the second stanza, I think the word “you” should be left off of the third and fourth lines, so that it will be consistent with the first two lines in the stanza.
Finally, it is not clear to me why you say that a rich man works harder than a poor man. Isn’t usually the other way around?
Sincerely,
Michael
very good thoughts
parallels the story of Lazarus and the rich man. Some language / pacing issues to work through, things that when added can “connect” the feelings of the poem together. Very good ideas though.
Mark W.
Galatians 5:22-23
“22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness, and self-control.
Against these, there is no law!”
My favorite verse(s) in the Bible