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Submitted by easylife_2 on 23 July 2008 - 4:40pm.
Style / Type:
Japanese
A time it was
When the lyre’s lustful lush lyrics
Stirred the silent wind
Out of her slumber,
Stirred in us an awakening,
A call to our stolen sessions
A time
When the sonorous
Singing voice of the harp
Was our soul serenade
As we rode
With the now strong wind,
Revelling in purloined ectasy.
How and when
Did our amorous affair go awry?
As I ponder
In this silent moment
The Mimosa pudica plant
Gently clasps her leaves together,
Branches pseudo withered after a lond day.
It’s time to grow now.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Hi easylife...
I think you’ve written well here..
in the first stanza, I stumble on the L words and if it were me
I would take one out… maybe lush and in my opinion it would
read better.. loved that second stanza.. very good
I also liked the Mimosa plants leaves closing for their time for
gowing..
punctuation… every line is capitolised.. even ones that
complete the thought before…
glad to read your write..
and these are only suggestions, nothing to take to the bank..
only the opinion of one
Richard
Thanks
I really appreciate all your kind comments.I think that the highlights of my writings are alliterations and very vivid imagery,I think that should explain the consonant clusters,and as per the punctuation thing,I am not very keen about it but I’ll appreciate if you can put me through,I be your humble student.Thank you.
I am most impressed ...
by the insight that gleams throughout this piece. Refreshing. The Mimosa pudica plant’s appropriately placed, its reason for being eminently clear. And I love—-absolutely love!—-your concluding line.
Thanx,
Chuck
thanks barbara
I appreciate your kind comments,I still consider my poetry as neonate and I will really appreciate any criticisms that you guys have for me.Thanks
Chuck here
No offense taken, but Barbara’s my daughter. I also address Barbara Writes as “Barbara.”
Thanx,
Chuck
PS: Glad you’re at the site, by the way. And welcome.
sometimes its hard for me to
sometimes its hard for me to read through the rest of a poem because I fall in love with a strong line. I read a call to our stolen sessions over and over. I loved that.
i like the point you make here.
Thanks Whitetea
I am always very much touched by the fact that you still take time out to read my older poems and comment.It is highly appreciated,thank you very much.
Thanks Whitetea
I am always very much touched by the fact that you still take time out to read my older poems and comment.It is highly appreciated,thank you very much.