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Submitted by akabeks on 20 July 2008 - 11:46am.| Updated 24 July 2008 - 9:27am.
Style / Type:
freeform
Come!
Comedy, come.
Beat me tenderly, come.
Treat me severely, come.
Come Comedy, come.
Take me out of Sudan,
Carry me away from Afghanistan,
Pull me from Iraq, set me free from Nigeria.
Come comedy, come.
Keep me ahead of Zimbabwe,
Rest me in the sand beach of the Caribbean.
Come let’s dance and laugh as
If there are no suicide bombers around.
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
(2 votes)
Can you go a little further?
The title and the rhythm are good. It is not clear to me what comedy has to do with the rest of the poem. You are off to a good start here. I think the poem needs to go into more depth. Could you expand on these ideas? I just feel as if there’s more to be said here.
Sincerely,
Michael
going a little further..
thanks for your observation.I believe the poem can be expanded…when you find yourself surrounded so my down-spirited faces,you can only delve into this comedy called life inorder to carry on.
come!
comedy, come…
take me out of Sudan,carry me away from Afghanistan,
pull me from Iraq,
rest me in the Carribean,
lets dance and laugh as if
there is no suicide bomber around.
These additions are excellent!
I think you should definitely consider incorporating these additions into your poem. I think they would add a lot to your poem.
Sincerely,
Michael
thanks for your encouragement
the additions has been incorporated… I thank you for that…
akabeks.
I'm moved by this poem.
I really like the first line, which makes it sound like you’re telling another person to come away with you. I just have a few minor suggestions.
I’d:
remove the first comma from line 5.
remove “come” from the line about Sudan to make it more like the following two.
put periods at the end of lines 9 and 10.
Consider moving “as” to the last line.
Great! Thanks for writing it.
Okay.
Thanks for your suggestions.The poem has been edited.
akabeks.