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Submitted by GreenBean on 9 June 2008 - 4:44pm.
Style / Type:
freeform
“You’ll be just fine!” the Mother said,
that day we fell and hit our head
and lay upon the cold, hard ground
(we still can feel that cracking sound).
And though the scar is really small,
it’s Mom’s cold heart that we recall.
that day we fell and hit our head
and lay upon the cold, hard ground
(we still can feel that cracking sound).
And though the scar is really small,
it’s Mom’s cold heart that we recall.
“You’ll be alright!” the teachers say,
“tomorrow’s just another day”
(to feel the suffering and the pain
that lack of love we seem to gain).
And though the scar is but skin deep
it’s teacher’s words we’ll always keep.
“Are you okay?” the Friends would ask,
while snorting coke and smoking grass,
to numb the hurt and soothe the cries
(and mask the face of fears and lies).
Cause now the wound is deep within
we’ve saved ourselves…you can’t come in.
…sigh…
I’ve turned out fine, I’ll have you know,
at fourty-five I took the blows,
the death attempts to my own self,
have now been put up on a shelf.
Memories built on scars and pain
will haunt in darkness if contained.
I’ve found life safe and worth the fight,
when hearts are warm,
endearing…
bright.
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
(1 vote)
First of all I like the way
First of all I like the way you held the rhythm steady all the way through- it drives the poem forward through what must be some very painful and for me moving experiences. The strength of will to kill the demons of your past comes through loud and clear - well done. It speaks volumes.
There is only one line that stuck for me
Cause now the wound is deep within
Just one tiny criticism and it is tiny - I don’t like to see the abbreviation of because. Perhaps you could say instead - ‘because the wound is deep within’ instead? See what you think.
I love the end - the reducing lines to a single word - really work for me. I really look forward to seeing more of your work.
Kaz
It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
You're not alone
I love the message, the rhyme and the measured flow. Very well done. The message hits home with me. I left home at 13, not because of mom but mostly dad. I also had a bit of wanderlust plus a big dose of stubborn. *sigh* I am glad you found your peace as I did mine. Just different ways.
Rett
Thank you, Kaz. Any size
Thank you, Kaz. Any size criticism is necessary to fine-tune anything! Tiny, perhaps…largely appreciated, for sure. I agree with avoiding abbreviations…your input helps all of us to learn.
Thank you, too, Rett. “Big dose of stubborn” oh, yeah. It’s prescribed as REBELLION…and also poor parenting, the combination of which could have proved fatal. Had I not made some huge personal changes in my life, I may not be typing to you right now.
Appreciate both comments.
Peace!
Kim