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Full of empty
Philippines
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Submitted by full of empty on 24 May 2008 - 7:53am.
Style / Type:
freeform
Storm come and go
Just like the rain also
Storm destroys a lot
While rain benefits most
You know what i mean?
Storm is like a problem without given formula
That you do not know how to start
While rain is like a droplets of water
That you can’t count and list.
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me.
(1 vote)
Storm With Rain
suggestions:
Storms comes and go
Just like the rain( drop the also, it is understood that you are relating the rain to a storm)
Storm destroy( the” a lot” detracts from the seriousness of this work)
“you know what I mean” take this line out completely( in my opinion , you have just insulted my intelligence)
I’m not going to go through the rest line by line as I see it needs so much work.
I see you are comparing a storm to a gentle rain perhaps
you are making statements more than writing a poem.
You never really get to the point of your poem
Think about this more in depth and re write if you feel the need to. As it stands now I would say that it needs a re write
Chrys