I am waiiting for your phone call,
Sitting motionless by
The white plastic thing
That doesn’t ring.
Minutes tick to the quarter,
The half, the hour.
Craig Raine’s “Martian”
Comes to mind.
I wish you would tickle
Your “haunted apparatus”,
Make my white plastic thing
Ring and ring and ring.
A praying mantis, stricken
With praying mantis
Neurological disease,
Navigates wearily,
A new day’s journey, across
My opened poetry book.
The poem there last read,
Billy Collins’, titled the country
Where you are, from where,
You wrote this letter,
With its P.S. note.
“I’ll phone you Saturday, 8am your time.”
I check the clock, fingers are pointing
Straight up top.
The newspaper says it is
Saturday. I’ll wait one more
Clock revolution,
For the white plastic thing
To ring and ring and ring.
hmmmmm
the white plastic thing
very un poetic
I’m sorry but the entire poem sounds very much like you are whining
if you are angry , disappointed or hurt let your words say so
be more creative in your writing
Chrys
No need to be sorry
I appreciate the time you took to read this and your insightful comments.
Pleides
Excuse this follow up
“be more creative in your writing”
This was the first poem I’ve posted here and I just wonder if you would be kind enough to tell me what you thought about the “praying mantis” stanza and also the poetic references in the poem?
Did these work at all or should the poem just go in the trash?
Perhaps you could direct me to some of your poems too, I am most willing to learn.
Pleides
absolutely not
do not trash this lets see if I can illustrate what I was trying to say I will re read and take it bit by bit
rule of thumb never trash your work see if you can improve upon it instead
Chrys
Thanks heaps
“The white plastic thing” repeating phrase was intended as a poetic mockery of Craig Raine’s superb poetic description of a telephone which I alluded to, (no doubt you know it) in “A Martian Sends a Postcard Home”.
I’d be especially interested on your comments on the “praying mantis” stanza, and if that didn’t work then please say so.
Also the reference to Billy Collins poem “Japan”. I was trying to hint at where the person, who was the subject, was waiting for a phone call from. I wonder did that work for you at all?
Anyways….whatever you have the time to do and comment on is “good as gold” for me. ( That’s a kiwi expressions which means ” everything is fine….;-) )
Pleides
ok here we go
your first two lines these lines are tired and over used how would you change them to reflect your style perhaps your impatience and disappointment
say for example
and please let me make this very crystal clear I am not and I repeat not by any means trying to re write your poem I am just trying to illustrate certain points
waiting for an illusive word that never comes
now then
The white plastic thing that never rings
the language detracts from the poem
how might you describe your otherwise
give it some animation
the next two lines are keepers
example
the silence of communication from a usually welcomed ring
somehow stanza two is a metaphor which I feel inappropriate to the rest of the poem
to answer your question keep the entire next(3rd) stanza that is what I was looking for in the rest of your poem and what I meant by using your own voice and being creative
fourth stanza
I see the point you are trying to make but pull it together better here is where I thought you sounded like you wee whining
use that same creativeness as in stanza three
I’m going to take your words and switch them around add and subtract but retain most of your original words
see how it reads
The country was the poem last read
And from where you penned this line
“I will phone you Saturday eight A.M. your time”
and again last stanza
The newspaper says it is Saturday
The hand of the clock are straight up
Again I will wait one more clock revolution
For the lost but no forgotten ring
again let me stress I am not re writing this poem this was purely an example
and in fact the entire commentary is purely suggestive on my part
regards
Chrys
Appreciated
Our posts crossed in the post I think, and would just like to say how much I appreciate the extra time and thought you have given to my poem in this response.
“again let me stress I am not re writing this poem this was purely an example
and in fact the entire commentary is purely suggestive on my part”
And of course I totally understand, for how could you re-write a poem of mine…no more than I could re-write a poem of yours.
(Hope you saw my post on one of your poems which I managed to find around here.)
Pleides
I like "the white plastic thing"
to me it describes aptly the alienation of a silent phone.
The references are slightly problematic for anyone who hasn’t read them, and they are not that well known. It didn’t bother me because I read it online and googled the references and was grateful for a couple of neat introductions, thank you. Does that make this a poem for either the very well read or those online, and fuck the rest? That would be a shame.
The praying mantis stanza is excellent and works in its own right, could even stand alone.
Love the last line. You are not that desperate, not the cliche of waiting by the phone, you reserve your personal and technological right to not answer the bloody thing.
Yeah, I like it.
cheers,
Jess
White plastic things
Thanks Jess. I take your point about the poetic references being a bit obscure and will re-think them. I just so admire Craig Raine’s wonderful poem about the Martian, that everytime I see a phone I remember it….and every time I go to the ‘loo as well!
Pleides
This is great! LOL–not
This is great! LOL—not only the white plastic thing
that will not ring
but also the neurologically disordered praying mantis…
Just great!
Thanks
For reading and I’m happy you enjoyed it.
Pleides