Ten Ton Brick
The pressure building within
rushing through the head
like a bullet hitting the left temple
spreading brain matter and blood every
where revealing this person’s pain
everything she held inside..
Anger is the bullet in the head
that came from the gun in hand
that was given to her from a friend
Sadness building up inside becoming
the knife in her hand that cuts her
when nothing feels the same & when
she gets to numb almost like a dead feeling
inside & it all boils out into cuts
Sadness building up becoming the ten
ton brick on her chest crushing her slowly
for she must find another way to escape
without self harm or suicidal attempts..
for she is much to precious to die
or to harm herself in any way or form
she now seeks help and writes more poetry
then ever but she is the most beautiful
poetic woman alive .
By,Bec
High marks here for passion,
High marks here for passion, but:
1. “Everywhere” is one word; even if it were not, the break between lines 4 and 5 would be poor.
2. The break between lines 14 and 15 is also unsuccessful.
3. You need to pay attention to the distinction between “to” and “too.”
4. Why do ampersands appear suddenly in the third stanza?
5. Terminal punctation marks seem arbitrary.
Though this poem is carelessly executed, it shows real promise; the second and third stanzas I find especially effective.
Great write
I think this is a very powerful write
a lot of pain and sadness. I see someone commiting suicide
I do not care for this type of topic because I deal with
depression I have been down this road many times. I have found meds that work realy good for me and with my writing I have days where I feel like commiting suicide are long gone sure I sometimes get blue and depressed but those days are more managable. So this is a good write because I can relate to it but a very somber and dark image.