Hello there folks, thanks for taking the time to read, I know there’s lots to read here! Anyway, I’ve had some ideas for a big project, a large poem, not epic (I don’t think I could keep a subject going that long!) but something at least about 20 stanzas.
What I’ve got so far is the first 2 stanzas of said poem and I’d like you to have a look a look. Now they are very rough and will need re-done with or without suggestions, but there’s enough to show the mood, theme, feel and style at least.
This as some of you may realise is, not really an ode, but more of a nod to Don Jaun, which I am in the middle of reading and loving. The rhyme scheme is the same, and yes it’s about a young man’s life. But mine is set present day and in Scotland. And rather than show off the marvelous smart, handsome dashing figure like Jaun, my character, Johnny (name may change!) is a bit of the opposite. Also I like morbid poems, as you’ll see shortly, and this should be an underlying theme throughout.
Anyway, all help, suggestions, criticism and whatever is much appreciated.
The Life and Times of Johnny (working title)
Little Johnny was a murderous one,
And here his story I shall bestow
Upon the reader. For he neglected son
With fell action, damned his young soul to go
To hell. What he done, cannot be undone
But can be told to prevent further woe.
Edipus see, was only a myth, but
Dear Johnny was the one that made the cut.
But beginnings are best done at the start, and so…
Many would say be did not have a start,
not poor of money but of love! All he
Knew of love, was, the gentlemen in marts
Whom his mother would meet. They’d come for tea,
Then upstairs to the bedroom they’d dart.
Forgetting the door so Johnny could see.
He sit in his room and play solitaire,
Mother fumbling and shrieking without a care.
And there you are, rip away!
hi, this is how i read this.
hi, this is how i read this. poe
Times for Johnny
Little Johnny a murderous one,
And here his story we shall bestow
Upon the reader for the neglected son
Was fell of action, damn his young soul
To hell, what he done, cannot be undone
But can be told to prevent any further woe.
Oedipus to see he was only a mere myth, but
Dear Johnny was the one making the cut above.
But beginnings are best done at the start, so…
Many would say he did not have a good start
not poor of money but of love, all he wants.
He knew of love, was, the gentlemen mart
Whom his mother would meet for tea too
Then upstairs to the bedroom they dart.
Forgetting doors for Johnny could see.
He sat in his room and plays solitaire,
Mother fumbling and shrieking John.
Um, yeah, now I see you’ve
Um, yeah, now I see you’ve put a lot ito that and, thank you, but it’s not what I was asking. I wanted to know if the subject was good, the idea behind it and such…I surely did not want you to re-write my poetry.
Any other thoughts, by anyone?
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
I can tell you that I like
I can tell you that I like it so far (couple of typos however…) but that’s not really saying much…the only thing that stood out to me was the lack of any rhyme at the end of the first stanza (if this helps any)
gonna have to get back to you on this, Kieran
am intrigued and would like to offer positive support, without the arrogance of re-writing it, but am snowed under as usual, strange metaphor living in sunny Sydney,
will get back asap, have bookmarked it.
cheers,
Jess
Thanks Jess, thatd be much
Thanks Jess, thatd be much appreciated. To honest I’ve not been on the site for a little while or indeed looked at this poem. Although reading it again now I feel my vigor renewed and will definately try and finish this.
Shit! I better start thinking up an actual plot! ;)
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week
jeez its a powerful start
I have only a few suggestions to make.
Read epic poems, decide for yourself how they sustain their length and especially whether they succeed. You could read my poem Watermana which is very long and earned me my M.A. But be warned, it uses poetic devices that are usually frowned upon, like using ing as a rhyme.
I think plotting the whole thing out before hand could help, but must admit I have never done it.
Remember also we all read on-screen here, which is so different from reading on paper, especially with regards to length. When you post the full length piece I will have to use precious and expensive resources printing it out to read.
Finally just go for it.
When you have a draft together let me know by PM, I can’t automatically read new postings any more, can’t even keep up with my friends, the site is too big, but let me know and I will read it and offer what thoughts I can.
cheers,
Jess
Yes, go for it. Its not
Yes, go for it. Its not possible to honestly critique
only a fragment of a proposed work. Story tellers
when they start a new book will often just write and write until
he story line starts to flow, then they go back to the begining
and edit or re-write with a fine toothed comb. The idea is to get
started and to get the energy flowing. So just write.
All the best
eric
Thanks for the comments
Thanks for the comments guys, I came up with a basic idea of the plot a couple of days ago, and I’m jsut finding the time to make a good start on it. Wanna try and do as much as I can at the same time so I’m in the poem stays in the same mood. The plan comes to a nice round total of 20 stanzas, which was not planned but it jsut happened!
I shall take your advice, and just go for it. Watch this space for updates!
Kieran
“Mind, how you go!”
- Roger McGough’s poem for LSD Awareness Week